Dear Food Network!

What’s cooking? I am a young entrepenaur who’d like to sell you on a show I think you’ll just eat up. I call it: Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes. The premise is simple I make cup cakes, delicous cup cakes and I tell stories.

I have many stories and many delicous cup cake ideas. Like chocolate, and vanilla! Here’s how a sample episode works.

Title Cards. “Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes” with me in hilarious super imposed pictures: such as me scaling a mountain, talking to Abraham Lincoln and kissing a super model. A delightful jingle in the background with a rock edge to it. - 30 seconds

We show an audience, applauding for the show to begin .This should go on for a while so people will be excited to keep watching at home. -2 minutes

FIRST SEGMENT: CUPCAKES with Cinammon! Discuss why cinammon is delicious. - 5 minutes

SECOND SEGMENT: Cook while telling riveting story such as time  I was held up by gun point. (An assalant put a gun to my temple, stole my wallet, and a 3 Muscateers Bar. I lost all control of my bowels. Later that night on a subway, I noticed a girl who looked like Reese Withersppon. It wasn’t her though.)

Thrown in ingredients: eggs—4ish, milk or something like a milk, cinnamon, butter- a stick or so, secret ingredient (will have to cut away. no one can know!), salt, vanilla extract and whatever else.

THIRD SEGMENT: Audience tastes cupcakes and their minds are blown out of their  skulls, that’s how good these cupcakes are!

Introduce a cliff hanger so that they tune in next time, like maybe the studio audience gets taken hostage…I don’t know something like that. Or maybe I fall in love with the camera girl but she’s interested in the bad boy electrical grip. (love triangle!)

End with credits over an animal eating a cupcake. (each episode will be a different animal). People seem to enjoy animals.

Sincerely,

Rob Asaro

Dear The Goldfish Snack Cracker Company:

Let me start by letting you know that I am an avid fan of the goldfish. I love ‘em! Ever since I was a kid, I’d just eat those little fish up! Regular fish are inferior by comparison. My goldfish eating life was going swimmingly until five years ago when you went above and beyond and blew my mind! You flavor blasted those little bastards. You took great and made it awesome! You took tantalizing flavor and brought it to the degree of infinite. 

The reason for my letter: a query. Why are regular goldfish still on the market? Why not pull ‘em and use your time to flavor blast other flavors like ranch or sour crème and onion? The point is regular goldfish have become obsolete in this technological, ipodistic, facebook era.  You’re embarrassing and fooling yourself if you think people are going back to regular after experiencing nirvana!

Changes must be made. Let me throw this at you. Why fish? Why not lobsters? Classy, right. Parrots would be cool. Dogs are very popular. Not sure you’ve picked the right creature to represent you. Fish are boring. No one likes fish. Consider a change. Let’s face it, the “goldfish” (an outdates pun) must be phased out.

I hate to be the one to have to tell you but sometimes the people who love you most must hurt you. I’ve been with you through some tough times. Remember when Pringles came on the market? We all got a little scared. How about xtreme cheetos? But we’ve weathered the storm. Take my advice and I’ll be with you every step of the way. 

Your Loyal Customer,

Rob Asaro

Dear The  Birthday Candles Company Inc:

I have a huge problem. Last week my nephew turned six and as the custom dictates we had “cake.” Seeing as my nephew is a bit of a tool, I thought it would be a fun idea to purchase “trick candles” for amusement.

There was nothing amusing about what followed. Dominick’s attempts to blow out the candles proved humorous but after a while it grew rather sad. He refused to stop trying. He was certain he could extinguish the birthday flames with his breath even though we explained the impossible nature of the situation. He was completely baffled after time and again the extinguished wick became relit. The stubborn boy pressed on.

After he stopped hyperventilating and the ambulance left I noticed something quite peculiar: the flames remained. I tended to the flames by placing them below a faucet where cool water rained upon them for a good five seconds but to my amazement the flames returned. Once more I placed them under the faucet and held them there long enough to end the situation or so I thought, but again, the flames returned. It was on the third time that my submersion proved victorious and my flames disappeared.

At about three o clock in the morning I was awoken by the distinct smell of birthday candle smoke, I proceeded forth to the cupboard where I had placed the candles back into their box the night previous, only to find that ALL of the flames returned! Once again I headed to the faucet but this angered the candles and the flames grew more violent! The strength of the wick withstood a five minute submersion underwater where the flame remained through out.

I was too embarrassed to call the fire department over birthday candles as you can well imagine so I did the next best thing. I threw them into the ice chest hoping that I could freeze my problem away. Needless to say, my attempt failed and I lost a lot of ice.  It was after I went threw my third fire extinguisher that I finally quit. I placed the birthday candles where they seemed to want to be: on the left over cake. Once returned to its rightful placed the angry flames calmed a bit but remained strong enough to remind me what they were capable of. Seven days later, I sit here with a cake that has spoiled, icing which has melted and seven strong flames burning bright and proud. I am scared and completely exhausted by the entire ordeal. Please send help. Also please send non-trick candles, my niece has a birthday coming up and I can’t afford to take another week off of work to ensure birthday candle flames remain contained.

Sincerely,

Rob Asaro esq