Captain ROB ASARO esq. (Nah just messing)
Objective: Short term goal: to secure this soul-sucking job, long term goals: become a famous entertainer so I can live an outlandish superstar life where I can achieve grandiose dreams such as being a gondola driver, writing a novel/pop-up book and creating a bi-level city.
I can put up with an insane amount of bull-sh*t. As someone pursuing a life in entertainment (actor, writer), I need a “side job.” I have no interest in being here long term, though given the nature of the business I might be. I am the best kind of employee, one that you will think doesn’t exist. I don’t complain because I don’t care. I have no interest in going up in this business so I pose no threat to those around me, at the same time I don’t need to kiss your ass, so you should expect the bare minimum in terms of the required work. I’m good with Microsoft Word but don’t know a lick of excel. I know it’s something with spreadsheets but I can google it, I’m sure there’s a website that teaches that stuff.
I have seen the Office so I assume your Office job will be something like the NBC show or the BBC show if its a British company, so though I have no “Office experience” I feel my knowledge of the show will help me through my time at your company.
At the end of the day, I can string together a sentence, show up, keep quiet and leave. Not too bad. I’ll also sign whatever you give me because I don’t have the patience to read about whatever it is you put in front of me, so you could probably cheat me out of vacation days or something and I wont say anything about it.
- Emerson College: It’s an art school. While I don’t know the ins-and-outs of a corporate merger, I do know how to physicalize what the color “purple” means to me on stage. I didn’t meet important business people at Emerson but roomed with a guy who wrote a play about a bowl of fruit attended by four people. It was an allegory or something like that.
- Improv Classes NYC: Maybe I’m the next John Belushi or maybe I’m going to die a miserable failure. Either way I’m not going to the Christmas party! One less mouth to feed for you. :)
YMCA, MT. Lakes
If you plan on calling to check up on me, I want to be the one to tell you about the fire incident before they do. There was a fire. I was cooking smores in the microwave. One thing lead to another. It happened. It was ten years ago.
Waiter, Bob’s Diner Burbank CA
This was 2006. 2005. Somewhere in there. This job sucked. I was working the graveyard shift and roomed with a guy who thought he wrote the film “Titanic.” The fact I didn’t stab someone is something to be proud of. Got along great with the staff, occasionally spilled food on customers.
Substitute Teacher, North Jersey High School
I’d still be here if they’d relax their guidelines on SAT formalities. You give away one or two answers and the superintendent has to get involved. I was a good teacher though. Spilled lemonade on a computer once. Two different spills at two different jobs, isn’t that nuts!
- My Mom (973) 555 -1342
- “Drunk Rick” (212) 555-2395
- My Parole Officer (212) 555 -2321 *ext 5
- Your Mom (413) 555-7878 Snap! Just kidding. Although wouldn’t that be awesome if that were her number?
Very good at the 1985 video game “Duck Hunt.” I wrote this resume while watching Forrest Gump in Korean and I don’t even know the language! I’m something else.
I work on central standard time. It’s just a thing.