Dear Food Network!

What’s cooking? I am a young entrepenaur who’d like to sell you on a show I think you’ll just eat up. I call it: Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes. The premise is simple I make cup cakes, delicous cup cakes and I tell stories.

I have many stories and many delicous cup cake ideas. Like chocolate, and vanilla! Here’s how a sample episode works.

Title Cards. “Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes” with me in hilarious super imposed pictures: such as me scaling a mountain, talking to Abraham Lincoln and kissing a super model. A delightful jingle in the background with a rock edge to it. - 30 seconds

We show an audience, applauding for the show to begin .This should go on for a while so people will be excited to keep watching at home. -2 minutes

FIRST SEGMENT: CUPCAKES with Cinammon! Discuss why cinammon is delicious. - 5 minutes

SECOND SEGMENT: Cook while telling riveting story such as time  I was held up by gun point. (An assalant put a gun to my temple, stole my wallet, and a 3 Muscateers Bar. I lost all control of my bowels. Later that night on a subway, I noticed a girl who looked like Reese Withersppon. It wasn’t her though.)

Thrown in ingredients: eggs—4ish, milk or something like a milk, cinnamon, butter- a stick or so, secret ingredient (will have to cut away. no one can know!), salt, vanilla extract and whatever else.

THIRD SEGMENT: Audience tastes cupcakes and their minds are blown out of their  skulls, that’s how good these cupcakes are!

Introduce a cliff hanger so that they tune in next time, like maybe the studio audience gets taken hostage…I don’t know something like that. Or maybe I fall in love with the camera girl but she’s interested in the bad boy electrical grip. (love triangle!)

End with credits over an animal eating a cupcake. (each episode will be a different animal). People seem to enjoy animals.

Sincerely,

Rob Asaro

Dear The Goldfish Snack Cracker Company:

Let me start by letting you know that I am an avid fan of the goldfish. I love ‘em! Ever since I was a kid, I’d just eat those little fish up! Regular fish are inferior by comparison. My goldfish eating life was going swimmingly until five years ago when you went above and beyond and blew my mind! You flavor blasted those little bastards. You took great and made it awesome! You took tantalizing flavor and brought it to the degree of infinite. 

The reason for my letter: a query. Why are regular goldfish still on the market? Why not pull ‘em and use your time to flavor blast other flavors like ranch or sour crème and onion? The point is regular goldfish have become obsolete in this technological, ipodistic, facebook era.  You’re embarrassing and fooling yourself if you think people are going back to regular after experiencing nirvana!

Changes must be made. Let me throw this at you. Why fish? Why not lobsters? Classy, right. Parrots would be cool. Dogs are very popular. Not sure you’ve picked the right creature to represent you. Fish are boring. No one likes fish. Consider a change. Let’s face it, the “goldfish” (an outdates pun) must be phased out.

I hate to be the one to have to tell you but sometimes the people who love you most must hurt you. I’ve been with you through some tough times. Remember when Pringles came on the market? We all got a little scared. How about xtreme cheetos? But we’ve weathered the storm. Take my advice and I’ll be with you every step of the way. 

Your Loyal Customer,

Rob Asaro

Dear The  Birthday Candles Company Inc:

I have a huge problem. Last week my nephew turned six and as the custom dictates we had “cake.” Seeing as my nephew is a bit of a tool, I thought it would be a fun idea to purchase “trick candles” for amusement.

There was nothing amusing about what followed. Dominick’s attempts to blow out the candles proved humorous but after a while it grew rather sad. He refused to stop trying. He was certain he could extinguish the birthday flames with his breath even though we explained the impossible nature of the situation. He was completely baffled after time and again the extinguished wick became relit. The stubborn boy pressed on.

After he stopped hyperventilating and the ambulance left I noticed something quite peculiar: the flames remained. I tended to the flames by placing them below a faucet where cool water rained upon them for a good five seconds but to my amazement the flames returned. Once more I placed them under the faucet and held them there long enough to end the situation or so I thought, but again, the flames returned. It was on the third time that my submersion proved victorious and my flames disappeared.

At about three o clock in the morning I was awoken by the distinct smell of birthday candle smoke, I proceeded forth to the cupboard where I had placed the candles back into their box the night previous, only to find that ALL of the flames returned! Once again I headed to the faucet but this angered the candles and the flames grew more violent! The strength of the wick withstood a five minute submersion underwater where the flame remained through out.

I was too embarrassed to call the fire department over birthday candles as you can well imagine so I did the next best thing. I threw them into the ice chest hoping that I could freeze my problem away. Needless to say, my attempt failed and I lost a lot of ice.  It was after I went threw my third fire extinguisher that I finally quit. I placed the birthday candles where they seemed to want to be: on the left over cake. Once returned to its rightful placed the angry flames calmed a bit but remained strong enough to remind me what they were capable of. Seven days later, I sit here with a cake that has spoiled, icing which has melted and seven strong flames burning bright and proud. I am scared and completely exhausted by the entire ordeal. Please send help. Also please send non-trick candles, my niece has a birthday coming up and I can’t afford to take another week off of work to ensure birthday candle flames remain contained.

Sincerely,

Rob Asaro esq

Having not died in any of my previous days I consider myself a semi-expert in the fieldof living. I thought I’d give you some suggestions on anti-dying technique.

One of the best ways to avoid death is bubble wrap. I wrap myself, car, house and family in fresh bubble wrap every week. It’s portable, easy to use and everyone loves the delightful sound.

Another fine way of avoiding the grim reaper is keeping a healthy diet. With so many doctors giving us conflicting advice as to how and what we should eat, I’ve decided to take all of their knowledge and boil it down into the Rob Asaro-diet plan. The Rob Asaro diet plan starts and ends with one word: water. Nothing else. Just drink water and add vitamin supplements to keep the body strong. By sticking to the water diet one will keep a low fat and low cholestrol diet.

Avoid dangerous activities. Like scuba diving? Airplanes? Skydiving? Mini-golf? Detroit? Well get it out of your mind. Dare-devils like to dance with death. You don’t want to dance with anything. You want to maintain a radius of 100 miles from any and all of these activities.

It’s important to remember one must keep the mind active. I recommend buying a box of pop-sickle sticks (better yet ask someone to pick them up, who knows what can happen in a crafts store) and place all of your repressed hopes and dreams into these delightful sticks. Build rocket ships, football fields, and movie sets. Channel your creativity, hopes and dreams into living vicariously through a popsicle stick man or woman. Construct a family. Friends. Village. How about a villa by the pool?! This is all very healthy I assure you.

Don’t Juggle.

Never fall in love with another human being. Ever hear the expression love is deadly? Well, if the expression isn’t enough to scare you into a lonely life try this on for size, bi products of relationships include: jealousy, rage, confusion, depression, longing, anxiety, over-indulgence, divorce, break-ups, long talks, in laws, unwanted friendships with your spouse/partner’s inner circle, venereal disease, and rabies. These stresses will certainly shorten your life.

Get religious. Not sure which God likes you best? Here’s a hint start worshipping the whole crew and keep your bases covered. Buddha, Ganesha, Jesus, Apollo and Abraham Lincoln should all get a piece of the worship pie. Who knows what the answers are? I don’t but I can tell you it does not include pissing off God and since I can’t say for certain who the definitive God is, just worship them all.

These are just a few of many techniques to help keep the blood pumping. Until next time stay living and don’t let death happen to you.

Stephen  Kroenkie

Owner/CEO St. Louis Rams

One Rams Way

St. Louis, MO 6304

Dear Mr. Kroekie:

I’ve decided to start up my own NFL franchise and I was hoping that I could ask your advice seeing as you might know something about the process. I am a performer and writer in New York City, and I need something to generate further income as I pursue my career. Seeing as NFL franchises seem to do well in ticket sales, jersey sales, and television revenue, I thought why not start one of my own?

I suppose I just don’t know where to start. Where can I find players? Ideally I’d like to have one of the better NFL teams so the stronger the players you can refer me to the better. I do not have a stadium? Do I need one? Can the team use a high school field until things pick up for me? I suppose the hard part would be all the permits, licensing, and all the red tape, so I’ll need the NFL’s support. Can I have Commissioner Roger Godell’s telephone number and can I use you as a reference.

My initial idea for a team name was, The Hoopdy-Doo. It sounds funny…but seeing as the commissioner might not take me seriously, I was thinking of calling my team the RAMS too, would that be a problem? I really like the name. I will try not to use your blue and gold color scheme but can’t make any promises. I do promise however not to bring my team to St. Louis, now THAT would be confusing! Can you imagine two St. Louis Rams football clubs! All joking aside, I assure you that would never happen because I’ve been to St. Louis once and didn’t like it. (So you have an arch, big deal.)

Are the NFL owners all close friends? Are there a lot of meetings? Because to be honest, with you I wouldn’t have the time, show business is a full time career and this is more of a side venture. I can’t waste my time going to combines in Indianapolis.

At any rate, when the Brooklyn Rams are up and running, I will give you a call, maybe our squads can play a few rounds, or a couple of innings or whatever the common terminology is.

All my best,

Rob Asaro

P.S. Do not give Brett Favre my number. I DO NOT want him to be my Quarterback.