ROB ASARO ON A MISSION

Uncle Ron is back

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 17:35:26 -0400

Uncle Ron is back

uncleronsnfl: Uncle Ron NFL Week 2 PICKS and thoughts on...

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 17:30:48 -0400

uncleronsnfl:

Uncle Ron NFL Week 2 PICKS and thoughts on grocery shopping!

Failures in Engaging Life

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 11:31:38 -0400

I’ve gone through my twenties believing that everything I was doing was pretext for what was to come. I’ve been waiting for life to begin. Lately I’ve tried to engage in life but despite trying, I can not seem to find interest in the following supposed wondrous or important things.

1. The Beach: Too much sand. Even the ocean is just too sandy. Then when you get out of the ocean the sand sticks to the bottom of your feet. There are also lots of seagulls. Entirely too many seagulls. I do not like seagulls.

2. Baseball. I went to a Yankees game this year. After four, I assumed we were approaching the end of the game. I was counting half innings as full innings. When I found out that the game still had another 5 innings to go, I was instantly filled with sadness.

3. The Election. Come November someone will win, someone will lose, and I’ll still be posting youtube videos that maybe four people will “like” on facebook.

4. Talking. I’ve realized I have nothing new to say. Much like being on stage, I’ve run out of material in real life. I haven’t been on vacation nor do I have a new job. When I speak, I often get bored. I begin talking to myself “Uhhhh the penguin story again. We know. We know. You got to shake it’s hand”

5. Relationships. All I want is a relationship like you see in the movies: wonderful and amazing. Like Amelie, except in English. Or Annie Hall but in color. Or like Forrest Gump but without anyone dying.

6. Concerts. I have never been to a musical concert. I like music. But I do not like standing for long periods of time.

7. Food. Every year there seems to be a new type of food. We keep trying to improve upon food. People are still inventing new foods. New ways to arrange food. New types of restaurants. Enough. Pasta does not need to go on a pizza. This did not need to happen. I do not want to try new food. Stop adjusting the levels of pulp in orange juice. No pulp. Pulp. Should be it. We don’t need Some pulp, Moderate amount of pulp, hint of pulp. Cool your jets Tropicana.

Updated slightly from 2011.

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 10:35:14 -0400

Updated slightly from 2011.

Resume of Resumes

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 01:23:00 -0500

Captain ROB ASARO esq. (Nah just messing)

Objective: Short term goal: to secure this soul-sucking job, long term goals: become a famous entertainer so I can live an outlandish superstar life where I can achieve grandiose dreams such as being a gondola driver, writing a novel/pop-up book and creating a bi-level city.

Qualifications

I can put up with an insane amount of bull-sh*t. As someone pursuing a life in entertainment (actor, writer), I need a “side job.” I have no interest in being here long term, though given the nature of the business I might be. I am the best kind of employee, one that you will think doesn’t exist. I don’t complain because I don’t care. I have no interest in going up in this business so I pose no threat to those around me, at the same time I don’t need to kiss your ass, so you should expect the bare minimum in terms of the required work. I’m good with Microsoft Word but don’t know a lick of excel. I know it’s something with spreadsheets but I can google it, I’m sure there’s a website that teaches that stuff.

I have seen the Office so I assume your Office job will be something like the NBC show or the BBC show if its a British company, so though I have no “Office experience” I feel my knowledge of the show will help me through my time at your company.

At the end of the day, I can string together a sentence, show up, keep quiet and leave. Not too bad. I’ll also sign whatever you give me because I don’t have the patience to read about whatever it is you put in front of me, so you could probably cheat me out of vacation days or something and I wont say anything about it.

Education

Emerson College: It’s an art school. While I don’t know the ins-and-outs of a corporate merger, I do know how to physicalize what the color “purple” means to me on stage. I didn’t meet important business people at Emerson but roomed with a guy who wrote a play about a bowl of fruit attended by four people. It was an allegory or something like that.
Improv Classes NYC: Maybe I’m the next John Belushi or maybe I’m going to die a miserable failure. Either way I’m not going to the Christmas party! One less mouth to feed for you. :)

Employment History

YMCA, MT. Lakes

If you plan on calling to check up on me, I want to be the one to tell you about the fire incident before they do. There was a fire. I was cooking smores in the microwave. One thing lead to another. It happened. It was ten years ago.

Waiter, Bob’s Diner Burbank CA

This was 2006. 2005. Somewhere in there. This job sucked. I was working the graveyard shift and roomed with a guy who thought he wrote the film “Titanic.” The fact I didn’t stab someone is something to be proud of. Got along great with the staff, occasionally spilled food on customers.

Substitute Teacher, North Jersey High School

I’d still be here if they’d relax their guidelines on SAT formalities. You give away one or two answers and the superintendent has to get involved. I was a good teacher though. Spilled lemonade on a computer once. Two different spills at two different jobs, isn’t that nuts!

References:

My Mom (973) 555 -1342
“Drunk Rick” (212) 555-2395
My Parole Officer (212) 555 -2321 *ext 5
Your Mom (413) 555-7878 Snap! Just kidding. Although wouldn’t that be awesome if that were her number?

Fun Facts

Very good at the 1985 video game “Duck Hunt.” I wrote this resume while watching Forrest Gump in Korean and I don’t even know the language! I’m something else.

Stipulations

I work on central standard time. It’s just a thing.

FOOD NETWORK PITCH: ROB ASARO MAKES CUPCAKES!

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 20:18:00 -0400

Dear Food Network!

What’s cooking? I am a young entrepenaur who’d like to sell you on a show I think you’ll just eat up. I call it: Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes. The premise is simple I make cup cakes, delicous cup cakes and I tell stories.

I have many stories and many delicous cup cake ideas. Like chocolate, and vanilla! Here’s how a sample episode works.

Title Cards. “Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes” with me in hilarious super imposed pictures: such as me scaling a mountain, talking to Abraham Lincoln and kissing a super model. A delightful jingle in the background with a rock edge to it. - 30 seconds

We show an audience, applauding for the show to begin .This should go on for a while so people will be excited to keep watching at home. -2 minutes

FIRST SEGMENT: CUPCAKES with Cinammon! Discuss why cinammon is delicious. - 5 minutes

SECOND SEGMENT: Cook while telling riveting story such as time I was held up by gun point. (An assalant put a gun to my temple, stole my wallet, and a 3 Muscateers Bar. I lost all control of my bowels. Later that night on a subway, I noticed a girl who looked like Reese Withersppon. It wasn’t her though.)

Thrown in ingredients: eggs—4ish, milk or something like a milk, cinnamon, butter- a stick or so, secret ingredient (will have to cut away. no one can know!), salt, vanilla extract and whatever else.

THIRD SEGMENT: Audience tastes cupcakes and their minds are blown out of their skulls, that’s how good these cupcakes are!

Introduce a cliff hanger so that they tune in next time, like maybe the studio audience gets taken hostage…I don’t know something like that. Or maybe I fall in love with the camera girl but she’s interested in the bad boy electrical grip. (love triangle!)

End with credits over an animal eating a cupcake. (each episode will be a different animal). People seem to enjoy animals.

Sincerely,

Rob Asaro

Open Letter To Goldfish Snack Cracker Co.

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 12:59:00 -0400

Dear The Goldfish Snack Cracker Company:

Let me start by letting you know that I am an avid fan of the goldfish. I love ‘em! Ever since I was a kid, I’d just eat those little fish up! Regular fish are inferior by comparison. My goldfish eating life was going swimmingly until five years ago when you went above and beyond and blew my mind! You flavor blasted those little bastards. You took great and made it awesome! You took tantalizing flavor and brought it to the degree of infinite.

The reason for my letter: a query. Why are regular goldfish still on the market? Why not pull ‘em and use your time to flavor blast other flavors like ranch or sour crème and onion? The point is regular goldfish have become obsolete in this technological, ipodistic, facebook era. You’re embarrassing and fooling yourself if you think people are going back to regular after experiencing nirvana!

Changes must be made. Let me throw this at you. Why fish? Why not lobsters? Classy, right. Parrots would be cool. Dogs are very popular. Not sure you’ve picked the right creature to represent you. Fish are boring. No one likes fish. Consider a change. Let’s face it, the “goldfish” (an outdates pun) must be phased out.

I hate to be the one to have to tell you but sometimes the people who love you most must hurt you. I’ve been with you through some tough times. Remember when Pringles came on the market? We all got a little scared. How about xtreme cheetos? But we’ve weathered the storm. Take my advice and I’ll be with you every step of the way.

Your Loyal Customer,

Rob Asaro

BIRTHDAY CANDLE FIASCO

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 20:07:00 -0400

Dear The Birthday Candles Company Inc:

I have a huge problem. Last week my nephew turned six and as the custom dictates we had “cake.” Seeing as my nephew is a bit of a tool, I thought it would be a fun idea to purchase “trick candles” for amusement.

There was nothing amusing about what followed. Dominick’s attempts to blow out the candles proved humorous but after a while it grew rather sad. He refused to stop trying. He was certain he could extinguish the birthday flames with his breath even though we explained the impossible nature of the situation. He was completely baffled after time and again the extinguished wick became relit. The stubborn boy pressed on.

After he stopped hyperventilating and the ambulance left I noticed something quite peculiar: the flames remained. I tended to the flames by placing them below a faucet where cool water rained upon them for a good five seconds but to my amazement the flames returned. Once more I placed them under the faucet and held them there long enough to end the situation or so I thought, but again, the flames returned. It was on the third time that my submersion proved victorious and my flames disappeared.

At about three o clock in the morning I was awoken by the distinct smell of birthday candle smoke, I proceeded forth to the cupboard where I had placed the candles back into their box the night previous, only to find that ALL of the flames returned! Once again I headed to the faucet but this angered the candles and the flames grew more violent! The strength of the wick withstood a five minute submersion underwater where the flame remained through out.

I was too embarrassed to call the fire department over birthday candles as you can well imagine so I did the next best thing. I threw them into the ice chest hoping that I could freeze my problem away. Needless to say, my attempt failed and I lost a lot of ice. It was after I went threw my third fire extinguisher that I finally quit. I placed the birthday candles where they seemed to want to be: on the left over cake. Once returned to its rightful placed the angry flames calmed a bit but remained strong enough to remind me what they were capable of. Seven days later, I sit here with a cake that has spoiled, icing which has melted and seven strong flames burning bright and proud. I am scared and completely exhausted by the entire ordeal. Please send help. Also please send non-trick candles, my niece has a birthday coming up and I can’t afford to take another week off of work to ensure birthday candle flames remain contained.

Sincerely,

Rob Asaro esq

How NOT to DIE

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:50:00 -0400

Having not died in any of my previous days I consider myself a semi-expert in the fieldof living. I thought I’d give you some suggestions on anti-dying technique.

One of the best ways to avoid death is bubble wrap. I wrap myself, car, house and family in fresh bubble wrap every week. It’s portable, easy to use and everyone loves the delightful sound.

Another fine way of avoiding the grim reaper is keeping a healthy diet. With so many doctors giving us conflicting advice as to how and what we should eat, I’ve decided to take all of their knowledge and boil it down into the Rob Asaro-diet plan. The Rob Asaro diet plan starts and ends with one word: water. Nothing else. Just drink water and add vitamin supplements to keep the body strong. By sticking to the water diet one will keep a low fat and low cholestrol diet.

Avoid dangerous activities. Like scuba diving? Airplanes? Skydiving? Mini-golf? Detroit? Well get it out of your mind. Dare-devils like to dance with death. You don’t want to dance with anything. You want to maintain a radius of 100 miles from any and all of these activities.

It’s important to remember one must keep the mind active. I recommend buying a box of pop-sickle sticks (better yet ask someone to pick them up, who knows what can happen in a crafts store) and place all of your repressed hopes and dreams into these delightful sticks. Build rocket ships, football fields, and movie sets. Channel your creativity, hopes and dreams into living vicariously through a popsicle stick man or woman. Construct a family. Friends. Village. How about a villa by the pool?! This is all very healthy I assure you.

Don’t Juggle.

Never fall in love with another human being. Ever hear the expression love is deadly? Well, if the expression isn’t enough to scare you into a lonely life try this on for size, bi products of relationships include: jealousy, rage, confusion, depression, longing, anxiety, over-indulgence, divorce, break-ups, long talks, in laws, unwanted friendships with your spouse/partner’s inner circle, venereal disease, and rabies. These stresses will certainly shorten your life.

Get religious. Not sure which God likes you best? Here’s a hint start worshipping the whole crew and keep your bases covered. Buddha, Ganesha, Jesus, Apollo and Abraham Lincoln should all get a piece of the worship pie. Who knows what the answers are? I don’t but I can tell you it does not include pissing off God and since I can’t say for certain who the definitive God is, just worship them all.

These are just a few of many techniques to help keep the blood pumping. Until next time stay living and don’t let death happen to you.

The Royal Book of OZ was written by L. Frank Baum’s...

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 09:51:00 -0400

The Royal Book of OZ was written by L. Frank Baum’s successor Ruth Thompson in 1921. The book us entirely inappropriate and cringe worthy. Scarecrow finds out he is the reincarnation of General Chang Wang Woe of the Silver Island. If you think the pictures are offensive for the love of God read the text. (Click on the pictures to see them blown up_

P.S. This is the best thing that happen to me in months.

FALL TV SEASON IDEAS!

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 16:03:00 -0400

As the fall TV season approaches I’ve thought of my olw ideas including revisiting some old favorites and giving them a new twist!

TWO BROKE GIRLS

It’s the same idea as the new CBS show, except it airs on cinemax, and these two girls will do just about anything to make money.

SAM I AM ON PAN AM

What if the lovable Suess character was a pilot, would it funny? Probably not but then again not much is on network television.

STEP BY STEP BY STEP

When Carol Lambert’s (Susan Somers) husband dies in a scuba diving accident, she remarries Barry Bimble, recent widower. But can Carol’s three grown biological children and three grown adopted children come to terms with Barry’s three grown biological children and three grown adopted children? Find out on Step by Step by Step.

2 1/2 MAD MEN

Since AMC’s cutting the budget, I purpose the cast shrink down to consist of Don Draper, Roger Sterling, and the upper half of Pete Cambell’s torso.

THE BAD WIFE

Hey where’s you check book? Does she have a gun. Yep.

MORE FRASIER

Do you think you know everything there is to know about Dr. Frasier Crane? (Kelsey Grammer) We’ll you don’t. What’s his shirt size? Favorite cereal? Could things be funny if he visited a zoo? Find out on More Frasier!

TOMORROW

IT’s a spin off of the Today show, except Matt Lauer has to guess everything that will happen tomorrow and if he gets it wrong….I don’t know, he has to eat bugs or something.

BEFORE MASH AND AFTER MASH

You ever wonder what events lead to the Korean War. Maybe?

24 SECONDS

What if we brought the concept of a 24 hour day to 24 seconds. Do we have something? Don’t tune in too late you just miss 24 seconds.

HOW I MET MY EX-WIFE

A story of regret and reevaluating shortsightedness. Watch as an embittered middle-aged man recalls his mistake of a life time.

40 ROCK

We know what goes on in 30 Rock but what goes on at 40 Rock? Something funny? Could be.

SCOTT BAIO’s OFFICE

Watch as 80’s icon Scott Bayo awaits for the phone to ring for a new acting job in his new home office. It’s not going to

JOEY’S BACK!

When failed actor Joey Tribbiani finally throws in the towel, he finds himself returning home to the comfort of his old friends. But can they help him pick up the pieces of his shattered life? It’s heartache and pizza on Joey’s Back.

ON THE WINGS OF FRASIER

Ever wonder what life was for Frasier crane between Cheers and Frasier? Watch as the airplane trip from Boston to Seattle is chronicled in intimate detail with loveable co-star Tommy Chong as the person sitting next to frasier, Bob Newhart as the bumbling steward and the cast of Wings.

ANYTHING WITHOUT JIM BELUSHI

This idea is simply open to any network interferece and restructuring provided Jim Belushi is in no way associated with the production.

THE BIGGEST LOSERS

A documentary on Americans who watch Network Television.

Rob Asaro

We Summer In Brooklyn (working title) A new series coming soon!

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 22:09:03 -0400

We Summer In Brooklyn (working title)

A new series coming soon!

Letter to St.Louis Rams CEO asking how to Start my own NFL Franchise

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:22:00 -0400

Stephen Kroenkie

Owner/CEO St. Louis Rams

One Rams Way

St. Louis, MO 6304

Dear Mr. Kroekie:

I’ve decided to start up my own NFL franchise and I was hoping that I could ask your advice seeing as you might know something about the process. I am a performer and writer in New York City, and I need something to generate further income as I pursue my career. Seeing as NFL franchises seem to do well in ticket sales, jersey sales, and television revenue, I thought why not start one of my own?

I suppose I just don’t know where to start. Where can I find players? Ideally I’d like to have one of the better NFL teams so the stronger the players you can refer me to the better. I do not have a stadium? Do I need one? Can the team use a high school field until things pick up for me? I suppose the hard part would be all the permits, licensing, and all the red tape, so I’ll need the NFL’s support. Can I have Commissioner Roger Godell’s telephone number and can I use you as a reference.

My initial idea for a team name was, The Hoopdy-Doo. It sounds funny…but seeing as the commissioner might not take me seriously, I was thinking of calling my team the RAMS too, would that be a problem? I really like the name. I will try not to use your blue and gold color scheme but can’t make any promises. I do promise however not to bring my team to St. Louis, now THAT would be confusing! Can you imagine two St. Louis Rams football clubs! All joking aside, I assure you that would never happen because I’ve been to St. Louis once and didn’t like it. (So you have an arch, big deal.)

Are the NFL owners all close friends? Are there a lot of meetings? Because to be honest, with you I wouldn’t have the time, show business is a full time career and this is more of a side venture. I can’t waste my time going to combines in Indianapolis.

At any rate, when the Brooklyn Rams are up and running, I will give you a call, maybe our squads can play a few rounds, or a couple of innings or whatever the common terminology is.

All my best,

Rob Asaro

P.S. Do not give Brett Favre my number. I DO NOT want him to be my Quarterback.

Character Reel: because I have improbable but possible dreams or...

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 10:27:00 -0400

Character Reel: because I have improbable but possible dreams or what you might call delusions of grandeur.

There are 3 Jim Belushi jokes in this reel….can you find them all?