Failures in Engaging Life
I’ve gone through my twenties believing that everything I was doing was pretext for what was to come. I’ve been waiting for life to begin. Lately I’ve tried to engage in life but despite trying, I can not seem to find interest in the following supposed wondrous or important things. 1. The Beach: Too much sand. Even the ocean is just too sandy. Then when you get out of the...
Updated slightly from 2011.
Resume of Resumes
Captain ROB ASARO esq. (Nah just messing) Objective: Short term goal: to secure this soul-sucking job, long term goals: become a famous entertainer so I can live an outlandish superstar life where I can achieve grandiose dreams such as being a gondola driver, writing a novel/pop-up book and creating a bi-level city. Qualifications I can put up with an insane amount of bull-sh*t. As someone...
FOOD NETWORK PITCH: ROB ASARO MAKES CUPCAKES!
Dear Food Network! What’s cooking? I am a young entrepenaur who’d like to sell you on a show I think you’ll just eat up. I call it: Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes. The premise is simple I make cup cakes, delicous cup cakes and I tell stories. I have many stories and many delicous cup cake ideas. Like chocolate, and vanilla! Here’s how a sample episode works. Title Cards....
Open Letter To Goldfish Snack Cracker Co.
Dear The Goldfish Snack Cracker Company: Let me start by letting you know that I am an avid fan of the goldfish. I love ‘em! Ever since I was a kid, I’d just eat those little fish up! Regular fish are inferior by comparison. My goldfish eating life was going swimmingly until five years ago when you went above and beyond and blew my mind! You flavor blasted those little bastards. You took great...
BIRTHDAY CANDLE FIASCO
Dear The Birthday Candles Company Inc: I have a huge problem. Last week my nephew turned six and as the custom dictates we had “cake.” Seeing as my nephew is a bit of a tool, I thought it would be a fun idea to purchase “trick candles” for amusement. There was nothing amusing about what followed. Dominick’s attempts to blow out the candles proved humorous...
How NOT to DIE
Having not died in any of my previous days I consider myself a semi-expert in the fieldof living. I thought I’d give you some suggestions on anti-dying technique. One of the best ways to avoid death is bubble wrap. I wrap myself, car, house and family in fresh bubble wrap every week. It’s portable, easy to use and everyone loves the delightful sound. Another fine way of avoiding the grim reaper...
FALL TV SEASON IDEAS!
As the fall TV season approaches I’ve thought of my olw ideas including revisiting some old favorites and giving them a new twist! TWO BROKE GIRLS It’s the same idea as the new CBS show, except it airs on cinemax, and these two girls will do just about anything to make money. SAM I AM ON PAN AM What if the lovable Suess character was a pilot, would it...
Letter to St.Louis Rams CEO asking how to Start my...
Stephen Kroenkie Owner/CEO St. Louis Rams One Rams Way St. Louis, MO 6304 Dear Mr. Kroekie: I’ve decided to start up my own NFL franchise and I was hoping that I could ask your advice seeing as you might know something about the process. I am a performer and writer in New York City, and I need something to generate further income as I pursue my career. Seeing as NFL franchises seem to do well in...
Character Reel: because I have improbable but possible dreams or what you might call delusions of grandeur. There are 3 Jim Belushi jokes in this reel….can you find them all?