Uncle Ron is back
Failures in Engaging Life
I’ve gone through my twenties believing that everything I was doing was pretext for what was to come. I’ve been waiting for life to begin. Lately I’ve tried to engage in life but despite trying, I can not seem to find interest in the following supposed wondrous or important things.
1. The Beach: Too much sand. Even the ocean is just too sandy. Then when you get out of the ocean the sand sticks to the bottom of your feet. There are also lots of seagulls. Entirely too many seagulls. I do not like seagulls.
2. Baseball. I went to a Yankees game this year. After four, I assumed we were approaching the end of the game. I was counting half innings as full innings. When I found out that the game still had another 5 innings to go, I was instantly filled with sadness.
3. The Election. Come November someone will win, someone will lose, and I’ll still be posting youtube videos that maybe four people will “like” on facebook.
4. Talking. I’ve realized I have nothing new to say. Much like being on stage, I’ve run out of material in real life. I haven’t been on vacation nor do I have a new job. When I speak, I often get bored. I begin talking to myself “Uhhhh the penguin story again. We know. We know. You got to shake it’s hand”
5. Relationships. All I want is a relationship like you see in the movies: wonderful and amazing. Like Amelie, except in English. Or Annie Hall but in color. Or like Forrest Gump but without anyone dying.
6. Concerts. I have never been to a musical concert. I like music. But I do not like standing for long periods of time.
7. Food. Every year there seems to be a new type of food. We keep trying to improve upon food. People are still inventing new foods. New ways to arrange food. New types of restaurants. Enough. Pasta does not need to go on a pizza. This did not need to happen. I do not want to try new food. Stop adjusting the levels of pulp in orange juice. No pulp. Pulp. Should be it. We don’t need Some pulp, Moderate amount of pulp, hint of pulp. Cool your jets Tropicana.
Resume of Resumes
Captain ROB ASARO esq. (Nah just messing)
Objective: Short term goal: to secure this soul-sucking job, long term goals: become a famous entertainer so I can live an outlandish superstar life where I can achieve grandiose dreams such as being a gondola driver, writing a novel/pop-up book and creating a bi-level city.
Qualifications
I can put up with an insane amount of bull-sh*t. As someone pursuing a life in entertainment (actor, writer), I need a “side job.” I have no interest in being here long term, though given the nature of the business I might be. I am the best kind of employee, one that you will think doesn’t exist. I don’t complain because I don’t care. I have no interest in going up in this business so I pose no threat to those around me, at the same time I don’t need to kiss your ass, so you should expect the bare minimum in terms of the required work. I’m good with Microsoft Word but don’t know a lick of excel. I know it’s something with spreadsheets but I can google it, I’m sure there’s a website that teaches that stuff.
I have seen the Office so I assume your Office job will be something like the NBC show or the BBC show if its a British company, so though I have no “Office experience” I feel my knowledge of the show will help me through my time at your company.
At the end of the day, I can string together a sentence, show up, keep quiet and leave. Not too bad. I’ll also sign whatever you give me because I don’t have the patience to read about whatever it is you put in front of me, so you could probably cheat me out of vacation days or something and I wont say anything about it.
Education
- Emerson College: It’s an art school. While I don’t know the ins-and-outs of a corporate merger, I do know how to physicalize what the color “purple” means to me on stage. I didn’t meet important business people at Emerson but roomed with a guy who wrote a play about a bowl of fruit attended by four people. It was an allegory or something like that.
- Improv Classes NYC: Maybe I’m the next John Belushi or maybe I’m going to die a miserable failure. Either way I’m not going to the Christmas party! One less mouth to feed for you. :)
Employment History
YMCA, MT. Lakes
If you plan on calling to check up on me, I want to be the one to tell you about the fire incident before they do. There was a fire. I was cooking smores in the microwave. One thing lead to another. It happened. It was ten years ago.
Waiter, Bob’s Diner Burbank CA
This was 2006. 2005. Somewhere in there. This job sucked. I was working the graveyard shift and roomed with a guy who thought he wrote the film “Titanic.” The fact I didn’t stab someone is something to be proud of. Got along great with the staff, occasionally spilled food on customers.
Substitute Teacher, North Jersey High School
I’d still be here if they’d relax their guidelines on SAT formalities. You give away one or two answers and the superintendent has to get involved. I was a good teacher though. Spilled lemonade on a computer once. Two different spills at two different jobs, isn’t that nuts!
References:
- My Mom (973) 555 -1342
- “Drunk Rick” (212) 555-2395
- My Parole Officer (212) 555 -2321 *ext 5
- Your Mom (413) 555-7878 Snap! Just kidding. Although wouldn’t that be awesome if that were her number?
Fun Facts
Very good at the 1985 video game “Duck Hunt.” I wrote this resume while watching Forrest Gump in Korean and I don’t even know the language! I’m something else.
Stipulations
I work on central standard time. It’s just a thing.
FOOD NETWORK PITCH: ROB ASARO MAKES CUPCAKES!
Dear Food Network!
What’s cooking? I am a young entrepenaur who’d like to sell you on a show I think you’ll just eat up. I call it: Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes. The premise is simple I make cup cakes, delicous cup cakes and I tell stories.
I have many stories and many delicous cup cake ideas. Like chocolate, and vanilla! Here’s how a sample episode works.
Title Cards. “Rob Asaro Makes Cup Cakes” with me in hilarious super imposed pictures: such as me scaling a mountain, talking to Abraham Lincoln and kissing a super model. A delightful jingle in the background with a rock edge to it. - 30 seconds
We show an audience, applauding for the show to begin .This should go on for a while so people will be excited to keep watching at home. -2 minutes
FIRST SEGMENT: CUPCAKES with Cinammon! Discuss why cinammon is delicious. - 5 minutes
SECOND SEGMENT: Cook while telling riveting story such as time I was held up by gun point. (An assalant put a gun to my temple, stole my wallet, and a 3 Muscateers Bar. I lost all control of my bowels. Later that night on a subway, I noticed a girl who looked like Reese Withersppon. It wasn’t her though.)
Thrown in ingredients: eggs—4ish, milk or something like a milk, cinnamon, butter- a stick or so, secret ingredient (will have to cut away. no one can know!), salt, vanilla extract and whatever else.
THIRD SEGMENT: Audience tastes cupcakes and their minds are blown out of their skulls, that’s how good these cupcakes are!
Introduce a cliff hanger so that they tune in next time, like maybe the studio audience gets taken hostage…I don’t know something like that. Or maybe I fall in love with the camera girl but she’s interested in the bad boy electrical grip. (love triangle!)
End with credits over an animal eating a cupcake. (each episode will be a different animal). People seem to enjoy animals.
Sincerely,
Rob Asaro
Open Letter To Goldfish Snack Cracker Co.
Dear The Goldfish Snack Cracker Company:
Let me start by letting you know that I am an avid fan of the goldfish. I love ‘em! Ever since I was a kid, I’d just eat those little fish up! Regular fish are inferior by comparison. My goldfish eating life was going swimmingly until five years ago when you went above and beyond and blew my mind! You flavor blasted those little bastards. You took great and made it awesome! You took tantalizing flavor and brought it to the degree of infinite.
The reason for my letter: a query. Why are regular goldfish still on the market? Why not pull ‘em and use your time to flavor blast other flavors like ranch or sour crème and onion? The point is regular goldfish have become obsolete in this technological, ipodistic, facebook era. You’re embarrassing and fooling yourself if you think people are going back to regular after experiencing nirvana!
Changes must be made. Let me throw this at you. Why fish? Why not lobsters? Classy, right. Parrots would be cool. Dogs are very popular. Not sure you’ve picked the right creature to represent you. Fish are boring. No one likes fish. Consider a change. Let’s face it, the “goldfish” (an outdates pun) must be phased out.
I hate to be the one to have to tell you but sometimes the people who love you most must hurt you. I’ve been with you through some tough times. Remember when Pringles came on the market? We all got a little scared. How about xtreme cheetos? But we’ve weathered the storm. Take my advice and I’ll be with you every step of the way.
Your Loyal Customer,
Rob Asaro
BIRTHDAY CANDLE FIASCO
Dear The Birthday Candles Company Inc:
I have a huge problem. Last week my nephew turned six and as the custom dictates we had “cake.” Seeing as my nephew is a bit of a tool, I thought it would be a fun idea to purchase “trick candles” for amusement.
There was nothing amusing about what followed. Dominick’s attempts to blow out the candles proved humorous but after a while it grew rather sad. He refused to stop trying. He was certain he could extinguish the birthday flames with his breath even though we explained the impossible nature of the situation. He was completely baffled after time and again the extinguished wick became relit. The stubborn boy pressed on.
After he stopped hyperventilating and the ambulance left I noticed something quite peculiar: the flames remained. I tended to the flames by placing them below a faucet where cool water rained upon them for a good five seconds but to my amazement the flames returned. Once more I placed them under the faucet and held them there long enough to end the situation or so I thought, but again, the flames returned. It was on the third time that my submersion proved victorious and my flames disappeared.
At about three o clock in the morning I was awoken by the distinct smell of birthday candle smoke, I proceeded forth to the cupboard where I had placed the candles back into their box the night previous, only to find that ALL of the flames returned! Once again I headed to the faucet but this angered the candles and the flames grew more violent! The strength of the wick withstood a five minute submersion underwater where the flame remained through out.
I was too embarrassed to call the fire department over birthday candles as you can well imagine so I did the next best thing. I threw them into the ice chest hoping that I could freeze my problem away. Needless to say, my attempt failed and I lost a lot of ice. It was after I went threw my third fire extinguisher that I finally quit. I placed the birthday candles where they seemed to want to be: on the left over cake. Once returned to its rightful placed the angry flames calmed a bit but remained strong enough to remind me what they were capable of. Seven days later, I sit here with a cake that has spoiled, icing which has melted and seven strong flames burning bright and proud. I am scared and completely exhausted by the entire ordeal. Please send help. Also please send non-trick candles, my niece has a birthday coming up and I can’t afford to take another week off of work to ensure birthday candle flames remain contained.
Sincerely,
Rob Asaro esq
How NOT to DIE
Having not died in any of my previous days I consider myself a semi-expert in the fieldof living. I thought I’d give you some suggestions on anti-dying technique.
One of the best ways to avoid death is bubble wrap. I wrap myself, car, house and family in fresh bubble wrap every week. It’s portable, easy to use and everyone loves the delightful sound.
Another fine way of avoiding the grim reaper is keeping a healthy diet. With so many doctors giving us conflicting advice as to how and what we should eat, I’ve decided to take all of their knowledge and boil it down into the Rob Asaro-diet plan. The Rob Asaro diet plan starts and ends with one word: water. Nothing else. Just drink water and add vitamin supplements to keep the body strong. By sticking to the water diet one will keep a low fat and low cholestrol diet.
Avoid dangerous activities. Like scuba diving? Airplanes? Skydiving? Mini-golf? Detroit? Well get it out of your mind. Dare-devils like to dance with death. You don’t want to dance with anything. You want to maintain a radius of 100 miles from any and all of these activities.
It’s important to remember one must keep the mind active. I recommend buying a box of pop-sickle sticks (better yet ask someone to pick them up, who knows what can happen in a crafts store) and place all of your repressed hopes and dreams into these delightful sticks. Build rocket ships, football fields, and movie sets. Channel your creativity, hopes and dreams into living vicariously through a popsicle stick man or woman. Construct a family. Friends. Village. How about a villa by the pool?! This is all very healthy I assure you.
Don’t Juggle.
Never fall in love with another human being. Ever hear the expression love is deadly? Well, if the expression isn’t enough to scare you into a lonely life try this on for size, bi products of relationships include: jealousy, rage, confusion, depression, longing, anxiety, over-indulgence, divorce, break-ups, long talks, in laws, unwanted friendships with your spouse/partner’s inner circle, venereal disease, and rabies. These stresses will certainly shorten your life.
Get religious. Not sure which God likes you best? Here’s a hint start worshipping the whole crew and keep your bases covered. Buddha, Ganesha, Jesus, Apollo and Abraham Lincoln should all get a piece of the worship pie. Who knows what the answers are? I don’t but I can tell you it does not include pissing off God and since I can’t say for certain who the definitive God is, just worship them all.
These are just a few of many techniques to help keep the blood pumping. Until next time stay living and don’t let death happen to you.
The Royal Book of OZ was written by L. Frank Baum’s successor Ruth Thompson in 1921. The book us entirely inappropriate and cringe worthy. Scarecrow finds out he is the reincarnation of General Chang Wang Woe of the Silver Island. If you think the pictures are offensive for the love of God read the text. (Click on the pictures to see them blown up_
P.S. This is the best thing that happen to me in months.
